Happy first birthday! (sob)

June 26, 2007

11:59 p.m.

Dear Matthew and Ryan (this letter is to you both),

Happy birthday, angels. OMG OMG OMG OMG you’re one. You’re one! I have made it through a whole year as your mama. I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. When Daddy and I brought you guys up to bed last night, I took an extra minute to sit in the chair with you both, holding you and crying as I realized it was the last night ever of putting my “twinfants” to bed.

Okay, let me tell you everything I remember about the days leading up to when you were born.

On Saturday, Daddy and I went to Uncle Jason and Aunt Dana’s luau. You can’t imagine how huge I was. Well, you’ll see pictures someday, but seriously. Huge. Daddy and I just took you to the luau on Saturday night (more on that later), and what a difference from last year, when I just sat on a chair under the umbrella and ate. I kept my plate of food on my belly – it was the perfect shelf, although you kicked it a few times and I almost lost my food! :)

Monday I had a doctor’s appointment. I was very nervous at the appointment, b/c I hadn’t felt Ryan kick very much during the weekend. Then I was afraid they weren’t picking up two separate heartbeats, so Dr. Bernardo checked for me again and found Ryan. I knew I was having an ultrasound and a non-stress test in the morning, so I decided not to worry too much. As always, Nana took me out for a delicious lunch afterward.

Daddy took Tuesday morning off so he could come to the high-risk appointment. I was so huge, and walking was so hard, that Daddy pushed me in a wheelchair to the office in the hospital! I made sure to tell them right away that I hadn’t felt either of you kick much, especially not Ryan (who I still didn’t know was Ryan!) They started the ultrasound. Since Matthew was Baby A, they measured him first. All the measurements looked great … and they estimated he weighed 6 pounds, 2 ounces! Wow! He’d been the smaller baby all along! I couldn’t wait to see how much bigger Ryan had gotten! As the tech went through, I noticed that all the measurements seemed much smaller than Matthew’s had been. Ryan also didn’t move. Like, at all. They estimated him at weighing only 4 pounds, 9 ounces. The tech brought Dr. Ianucci in to use the ultrasound wand. I remember him jabbing at my stomach on Ryan’s side, saying, “I am going to irritate you until you move!” They observed you guys for a half hour, doing a biophysical profile.

After it was over, Dr. Ianucci said, “Well, you’re 34 weeks, and Baby B doesn’t seem like it’s doing very well. There’s now a 23% discordance between the babies, which is bigger than the 20% we like to see. I think we need to talk about doing a c-section today.” I kind of figured that was coming, and my first thought was, “It’s the day before our anniversary! We’re supposed to see ‘Tony and Tina’s Wedding’ on Thursday!” I think I was in shock. Dr. I. told me he’d wait for my regular OB to make the decision, and in the meantime, I’d go to Labor and Delivery to have my non-stress test a little earlier in the day than they were planning.

I got wheeled down to my own room. And I cried and cried and cried – you were going to be preemies! Were you going to be okay? The nurses brought Kleenex. Daddy called Nana and Grandma to let them know they might becoming a nana and a grandma that very day. I tried to watch TV. We didn’t get good reception. A nurse had me get into a hospital gown and informed me that there was no longer any doubt – I WAS getting a c-section and having 2 babies in a matter of hours. They just had to wait until 3:00, since I had eaten a PBJ bagel and drank water in the morning before my ultrasound. I got an IV and tried to relax in bed. The nurse did all my paperwork with me. I kept crying. She reminded me that since I was having 2 preemies, I was at a higher risk for PPD (thanks!) She was very excited that we didn’t know what genders you guys were.

Then we realized we had to finalize names for girls! Matthew Thomas had been our choice all along, and we’d finally settled on Ryan David Saturday night … but we didn’t know our second girl’s name. Madeline Grace was a go. Finally, we decided on Allison Anne for a second girl. It felt good to get that out of the way.

A neonatologist came in and talked to us. I had a lot of questions – I was super worried about brain bleeds. I asked about ROP, too, but he wasn’t worried about ROP in 34-weekers, so that was good. However, he didn’t offer me any comfort about the bleeds – not that he could. I was afraid.

Nana, Papa Bear, and Aunt Missy showed up around this time. Oh, I think Uncle Tom was there too. I didn’t pay too much attention to them. I was kind of out of it. Also I wanted to watch The Drew Carey Show, which was on from 2 until 3 … 3 being the witching hour. Along about this time I felt like I should be calling people to tell them what was going to be happening. I had my cell and just started dialing. Aunt Lissa, Uncle Josh and Aunt Elaine, Mrs. Christina, Auntie Frank, a lady from the Bears message board … I can’t remember who else. I was starting to get excited.

The anesthesiologist came in and had me drink some yucky stuff (anti-nausea meds?) It was gross, but I drank it like it was manna from heaven. I was STARVING. STARVING. Then a bunch of nurses came in to get me. Terror overtook me, and as they got me into the wheelchair (or onto a different bed-stretcher? I can’t even remember), I began to sob with pure fear. Fear for you guys, fear for me, just fear. I could not BELIEVE this was happening. It was surreal.

Daddy wasn’t allowed to be in the room while I got my spinal block. A nurse held me down while they found the right place. It hurt and was creepy. I had to wear a surgical cap over my hair and have a nasal canula for oxygen. The room must have been like 5 degrees, but luckily I had blankets. They strap you onto the table with your arms out, which is totally freaky, and I felt like Jesus. I felt like I was going to panic, so I realized the best thing to do was to go out of my body and pretend I wasn’t there. Dr. Kagan said, “Patricia, I can’t remember the last time I delivered twins when we didn’t know the sexes. That’s really special.” Once Daddy was back in the room, things went quickly. The next thing I knew, I heard Dr. Kagan say, “It’s a boy!” “That’s Matthew!” I cried. We heard him cry. Daddy and I cried. Indescribable. A moment later, he said, “We have another boy!” And instead of saying, “That’s Ryan!” I said, “I KNEW it!” I was so so so happy. I knew all along we were going to have 2 boys. We’re so lucky. I do remember Dr. Kagan saying, “You know, I don’t have a scale or anything, but these guys don’t look that discordant to me,” which kind of freaked me out at the time.

I hadn’t seen you yet. I wasn’t even paying attention to whatever horrifying things they were doing to me – I was just listening to the crying and the discussions the nurses were having. I heard one of Ryan’s nurses say, “This little guy is so cute! I wonder what his name is? I heard Mom say the first little guy’s name is Matthew.” I called, “That’s Ryan!” through my tears.

Before I knew it, they were all wrapped up like little burritos and getting ready to go to NICU. I saw Ryan first – tiny, pink, and perfect. I kissed him and thought, “Wow, he was the baby in trouble, and he’s doing great!” Then a nurse brought Matthew to me. As I kissed him, I thought, worried, “He looks blue. Why is my baby blue?”

The next couple hours are hazy. They moved me to recovery to watch me and make sure I was okay. I just laid there with my eyes closed. Oh, and they did an x-ray of my stomach (which is good, b/c I didn’t want them leaving gloves and stuff in me. Ew.) I kept asking what time it was, b/c I wanted to be sure I could get lactation to help me get started pumping so I’d have milk for you guys!

I was on morphine, a LOT, so I was very happy and not as worried about you guys. The nurses told me they’d wheel me on the bed lying flat down to the NICU to see you, and I was SO EXCITED! As they rolled me down the hall, I kept calling out to people, “I just had twin boys! I am going down to see them!”

You guys were in your own little curtained partition. I saw you and was just so thrilled. My babies. My BABIES. I stared at Ryan – tiny body with wires everywhere. I stared at Matthew – slightly bigger body with wires and a huge snorkel mask pinned to a baby knit cap. The nurses wanted me to touch you, but I remembered my NICU tour: “I can’t. I haven’t washed my hands.”

Life has never been the same.

Oh, I love you guys so much. And I should talk about you at 1 year … but I’m spent. Suffice it to say that I love you so much it’s not always easy to breathe.

Forever and ever. Amen.

Mama